"Bro, you're not taking creatine?? That's why you're not growing."

You've heard it. You've seen the ads. You've probably stood in front of a GNC shelf wondering whether to buy that $80 tub of something called "ANABOLIC NUCLEAR HULK BLAST."

But what's actually worth your money? And what's just protein-flavored snake oil?

Buckle up. We're going science mode with just enough sass to keep you awake.

β˜• First of All… You Don't Need Supplements

Let's clear this up from the jump: Supplements are the side dish, not the main course.

If your training sucks and your diet is trash, no amount of powders, pills, or rainbow-colored pre-workout is going to save you.

Your real gains come from:

  • πŸ— Real food
  • πŸ‹οΈ Real training
  • 😴 Real rest

That said, there are a few legit helpers out there. And some… not so much.

πŸ§ͺ Creatine: The Undisputed King of Muscle Science

What it does:

  • Increases strength and power
  • Improves recovery
  • Helps build lean mass
  • May even boost brain function (yes, it's a muscle nerd AND a scholar)

How it works: Creatine helps recycle ATP β€” your cells' energy currency β€” especially in high-intensity activities like lifting, sprinting, or fighting your inner demons.

πŸ“š Studies? Countless. Creatine monohydrate has been researched more than your ex's Instagram after a breakup. And the results are overwhelmingly positive.

How to take it:

  • 3–5g daily, anytime (yes, anytime)
  • No need to "load" unless you enjoy unnecessary bloating

Side effects:

  • Slight water retention (inside muscles β€” this is good)
  • That's literally it

βœ… Verdict: Get it. Use it. Thank science later.

πŸ₯© Protein Powder: The OG Convenience King

What it does:

  • Helps you hit daily protein goals
  • Speeds up muscle recovery
  • Keeps you full longer than carbs or fat

Whey vs. Plant-Based vs. Casein:

  • Whey: Fast digesting, ideal post-workout
  • Casein: Slow digesting, great before bed
  • Plant-Based: Good for vegans, just check for complete amino acid profiles

Do you NEED protein powder? Not if you can eat enough real food. But if you're struggling to hit ~1.6–2.2g of protein per kg of bodyweight, it's a total life-saver.

βœ… Verdict: Useful, especially if you're busy or hate cooking. Just don't buy one that tastes like chalk and sadness.

⚑ Pre-Workout: Hype in a Shaker Bottle

What it does:

  • Boosts energy
  • Improves focus
  • Gets you to finally PR that deadlift

Common ingredients:

  • Caffeine – obvious reasons
  • Beta-Alanine – tingles! Also helps with endurance
  • Citrulline Malate – for better blood flow ("pump juice")
  • Creatine – sometimes thrown in, but better to take separately

Warnings:

  • Can mess with sleep if taken late
  • Some are dosed like you're trying to see God
  • Can cause dependency ("I can't lift without it, bro")

βœ… Verdict: Fun and useful, but optional. Try coffee first. If you still need a boost, grab a well-dosed pre with at least:

  • 150–300mg caffeine
  • 3–6g citrulline malate
  • 3.2g beta-alanine

(If you see a proprietary blend with no amounts listed, run. It's shady.)

πŸ’€ Fat Burners: Mostly Lies and Caffeine

What they promise:

  • Melt belly fat
  • Speed up metabolism
  • Turn you into an Instagram thirst trap

What they actually do:

  • Increase heart rate
  • Suppress appetite
  • Make you think you're losing fat faster (hint: it's usually water)

πŸ“š The Journal of Obesity reviewed dozens of fat-burning ingredients and found minimal, if any, meaningful fat loss outside of diet and exercise.

Some include:

  • Yohimbine (banned in some places)
  • Synephrine
  • Too much caffeine
  • Questionable herbs with names like "super thermogenic chaos root"

⚠️ Side effects:

  • Anxiety
  • Sleeplessness
  • Poop issues (yep)
  • Heart palpitations

❌ Verdict: Just… don't. Save your money. Buy chicken and vegetables instead.

🧠 BCAAs: The Overhyped Cousin of Protein

What they claim:

  • Prevent muscle breakdown
  • Boost recovery
  • Make your water taste like unicorn tears

Reality: If you're already getting enough protein daily, BCAAs are redundant. Your body breaks down dietary protein into all the amino acids it needs β€” including the fancy "branched-chain" ones.

πŸ“š Studies from the International Society of Sports Nutrition suggest that BCAAs alone don't increase muscle protein synthesis unless protein intake is inadequate.

❌ Verdict: Skip unless you're training fasted or on a super low-protein diet. Otherwise, it's overpriced Kool-Aid.

πŸ’Š Honorable Mentions (a.k.a. The Quiet MVPs)

βœ… Fish Oil (Omega-3s)

  • Reduces inflammation
  • Supports joint health
  • Brain + heart love it

Just don't buy the cheap stuff. Go for high EPA/DHA content.

βœ… Vitamin D

  • Especially if you live somewhere gloomy or don't see the sun
  • Affects testosterone, mood, immune system

βœ… Magnesium

  • Helps with sleep and muscle relaxation
  • Many people are low on it (especially if you're stressed)

🧼 Detox Teas, Waist Trainers, and "Natural Test Boosters"

πŸ‘Ž These belong in the fitness scam hall of shame. If something promises fast, dramatic results with no effort... it's lying harder than a cat on a laptop.

πŸ’Έ Final Take: Where Should You Spend Your Money?

Here's a simple tier list:

πŸ”₯ Must-Have (if needed)

  • Creatine Monohydrate
  • Whey or Plant Protein
  • Vitamin D (if deficient)

πŸ‘ Nice-to-Have

  • Pre-workout (if training intensity is a struggle)
  • Fish oil (for joints + heart)
  • Magnesium (especially for sleep)

😐 Meh

  • BCAAs (only if protein intake is low)
  • Glutamine (some recovery benefits, but not necessary)

🚫 Nope

  • Fat burners
  • Detox anything
  • Test boosters
  • Fancy stuff you can't pronounce

Uncle Gainz Closes It Out:

"If the label looks like it was designed by a DJ and the name sounds like a Dragon Ball Z move, it probably ain't science-backed. Read the ingredients, check the dose, and remember β€” the best supplement is consistency."